This morning was very hard for Gregory and I. For some reason we were not clicking at all and by 11:30 he was crying night night. So I put him down for his nap. I think he was overwhelmed and wanted to get away from it all. I called Jennifer (our RDI consultant) in tears. She has explained to me many times that I need to slow way down and if things aren't working to let it go. She has told me many times that there is no ticking clock and that I can't prevent Gregory from becoming autistic by doing more therapy. Well I do understand this concept but for some reason I can't get it to sink into my brain. Ever since we started with intervention about 14 months ago I feel like I have been fighting a battle. I wake up in the morning armed and ready and then at the end of the day I evaluate how the day went by how my interactions were with Gregory. I have felt like if I don't prevent Gregory from getting a label of ASD then I have lost my battle and that I have failed him as a mother. I know very sad, but that is how I feel. There have been so many professionals telling me that I can prevent Gregory from being autistic. The doctor in England, the famous Dr. Greenspan, and several others. Dr. Greenspan evaluated him 2 times and told me he was a superstar and that he was on his way to Harvard. So now it is all on my shoulders!! If I am a good enough mother and a good enough therapist then Gregory will be a Harvard grad, right?
I know Gregory was born on the autism spectrum. I remember those early days so clearly and I know he was not typical from day one. What I need to do now is except the situation I am in. I need to except Gregory for who he is now. I have not come to that yet. Yes I LOVE my son but I don't think I have excepted him because I have spent the first year and a half of his life trying to change him. I think if I can just except what it is right now then remediating his difficulties will come with time and practice. That is what I hope and pray. Who cares about Harvard, I want Gregory to enjoy life and relationships. That is what it is all about, right? |
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